The Fantastic, Amazing, Super-Secret Underground Diary of Donald J. Trump

Dear Diary,

Nobody knows I’m doing this... this is my secret. Only you and I know about this. I figured I should keep a record of what’s happening to me now that I’m going to be the President, but I don’t necessarily want anyone else to know about it. So here goes:

Last week, the President and the First Lady gave Melania and me a tour of the White House. I wasn’t impressed. It was pretty tacky. The furniture is all old... like all antiques. Not my style. The minute we move in, I’m changing everything. Everything leather, really nice, classy calfskin leather. And I’m going to replace those paintings of all the other Presidents with paintings of me. It’s my house and I can do what I want.

I was supposed to meet with Obama for like... 15 minutes, but we wound up talking for about an hour and a half, and he told me things that... scared the shit out of me, that I can tell you... I can’t really reveal them to anyone because they’re all top secret... but I can tell you, because this is my Super-Secret Underground Diary. Okay. First, the Nuclear Football? It’s an actual football. I’m serious. And you activate it by pressing the laces in a certain order, like those number locks on bathrooms in Office Buildings. He told me what it was, but I don’t remember. I guess I should know what it is before I make a mistake and have a catch with Eric out on the front lawn. Second, Area 51 is real. There’s an actual UFO in there, and there’s dead aliens in it, just like they had in Independence Day. So I’m telling you right now, I’m going to have a very strong anti-space alien policy. Any space aliens who land here in America, I’m going to deport immediately. In fact, I’m thinking about building a wall around the entire country... maybe the whole Earth, I don’t know, I’ll have to ask Putin. I don’t know how I’m going to do that, because I can’t tell him about the aliens in the first place, but I’ll figure it out when the time comes. That’s all for now, Diary.

- Donny

P.S. - I’m not going to pursue the investigation into the emails with Crooked Hillary. She’s suffered enough. Have you seen pictures of her lately? She looks like Bea Arthur. Who was a fantastic woman, by the way. Total class.